Hell On Earth

We've just returned from a brief shopping expedition to the local superduperhypermarket and so I am in the usual psychopathic, depresssed state that visiting these places brings out in me.

They say, well George A Romero did anyway, that when there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth. I have to disagree, because Hell is already right here on earth and goes by the name of Tesco.

I swear that some of the hordes of people that wander aimlessly from aisle to aisle, pushing their trolleys with the enthusiam of a man digging his own grave, have long since shuffled off their mortal coils, and are acting on the most primal of our instincts, to shop.

They have an shocking inability to understand that if they are standing looking glassy-eyed at the meat counter with their trolleys inconsiderately parked at crazy angles jutting out into the aisle, then they will create an obstacle that forces people like me do a kind of vertical limbo around, whilst silently thinking how entertaining it would be to see how far their heads would roll down the aisle if detached with the help of a machete.

I'm not actually a violent person at all, but the overwhelming mass of idiots, morons and worst of all, unruly and occasionally it seems feral children who congregate in the nation's, and indeed the world's food stores bring out the worst in me. After ten minutes in Tescos, or any other supermarket, I am practically begging to be let loose with an AK-47.

However, I am thankfully a quick shopper, and so usually manage to leave the premises before doing anything rash (armed only with my shopping), though there are occasions where I cannot resist a quick sideswipe with my trolley at the most moronic members of my species, leaving bruised ankles in my wake.

I suppose I really should look into internet shopping, but if I'm honest, I think there's a small part of me that enjoys the aggravation, as once it is over with, and I am sitting with a coffee and a good book, the feeling of calm and tranquility that envelops me is divine.